Its been a while since I have posed here. I’d like to share some thoughts and wonderings over the next few months on specific aspects and subjects encountered regularly Systems Constellations. I also very practically invite you to integrate them into your daily practice so that what you have learnt in the Constellation circle can be given an opportunity to be with you every day if you wish.
The Experience: what I have learnt about Inclusion
Constellations are about inclusion, sometimes radical inclusion. We have seen that when people, feelings or events have been excluded from our lives, something or someone in the system will find a way to ensure their inclusion. The system communicates that there is something missing, sometimes by developing a symptom, sometimes by a certain person struggling to come into their own strength and fully step into life and follow their destiny. The symptom always makes sense. It is the way of the whole telling us that there is a part that is missing or excluded.
Exclusions happen in all kinds of ways, both consciously and without us realising what we are doing. When we exclude a person from the family because it is too painful to speak about or remember them (lost children, stillbirths, early loss of a parent et cetera), or when they have done something seemingly unforgiveable (murders, perpetrators, infidels et cetera). We exclude feelings that threaten to overwhelm us. We exclude parts of ourselves that we do not like, or cannot come to terms with or love. There is an old African proverb that says that when we ignore something, it “comes to bite sheep in the night”.
In family systems what we exclude here and now, our children or grandchildren find ways to include. Perhaps we did not have the inner or outer resources to face things, so it is not about blaming, it just is. Children often unconsciously offer their love and loyalty in ways to their parents that keeps them perpetuating patterns that do not serve either of them. It is the child’s unconscious loyalty that attempts to include what has been cast aside, and in that way attempts to bring healing and equilibrium to their family.
You are invited to consider who or what you exclude in your life. Is it the ex-fiance who hurt you, or the grief you feel for someone whom you have lost? The black sheep of the family? Or is it a part of yourself that you have come to judge and believe not worthy of your love? Create time for a quiet moment where you can sit and mediate on how you could bring more inclusion into your way of being. It does not mean that you need to put yourself in uncomfortable or dangerous situations, but can you acknowledge the place that this exclusion has in your life? It is a part of you, a part of your history, and cutting it out is not really possible.
What do you need to make it possible to practice inclusion? What do you need from yourself? How can you be a little gentler on yourself and really feel what is going on rather than running away through work, food, alcohol, technology, shopping….
Can you acknowledge the rightful place of people in your life without negating the relationship and who they are to you? I’m often asked the question: do I need to forgive, accept or condone what this person did when they did wrong? No, you leave the responsibility for what they did with them. Then it may be possible to give them their place.
(This blog is not a replacement for therapy, but rather a sharing of experiences and invitations towards daily life lessons. Should you require professional help, please book a session)